I have felt the pinch of one income (at times a lot lower than what we are blessed with now).
I have felt the heartache of saying no to activities, toys and other incidentals that they wanted.
I have felt the pull to use my brain in another way than changing nappies, or homework, or making beds, or folding washing. (Usually kept under control with study)
But I have never felt guilty about choosing not to work full time, and stay home to be a mum with my wonderful kids.
Until 3 weeks ago.
Something changed, something clicked. It was like Oprah would call a 'lightbulb moment'.
Suddenly I felt terrible that I wasn't out there earning my capacity and working like a trojan to help pay the mortgage, bring home the bread, whatever it is we do when we work.
SO for three weeks I have been in purgatory. Researching and overanalysing whether it was ok to go to work full time, right now, and have Little mudpie in daycare and the big kids in after school care 5 days a week.
Mr Mudpie was not so helpful, really only pointing out that he would be supportive of whatever I decided. (I don't think he realised it would mean he had to do homework, baths and probably dinner 5 nights a week while I worried about other people's family problems, or corporate problems or contractual problems).
I did the sums over and over and over. It wasn't worth it financially, so obviously there was another reason I continued to make myself suffer.
Everyone said I would know when I was ready. So many people told me I would want to get out and work when it was time. So I thought, is that now?
This morning I could take it no more and I did three pros and cons lists.
1. If I worked three full days a week,
2. If I worked full time,
3. If I stayed home and continued working school hours.
I sat there looking at these lists this morning and I realised that the one thing that was pulling me to stay was the reason I had never felt guilty about being at home. I enjoy it. I get to be mum. Little mudpie is only 3. He goes to school in 1 3/4 years (and that is quickly going down) and then I can do whatever I like.
When Mr Mudpie rose from bed, I had already re-done the sums, done my pros and cons lists and made a decision - finally.
Now is not the time for me. It isn't far away, but it isn't here yet. I am so grateful and feel so blessed to have this time with my babies and I want it to last a little longer.
Yesterday I watched little butterfly lay the wreath at the school Anzac Day ceremony. She was chosen as one of two from the whole of Kindergarten and I was the proudest mum alive.
This isn't supposed to be a post aimed at anyone in particular because I understand completely where working mums are at. I get all of it.
This is just a post about me and my feelings right now. I can feel the change on the air and it is blowing my way....but I think I can hold it off just a little longer and watch my little mudpie grow :)
At the going down of the sun, And in the morning, We will remember them. LEST WE FORGET.